Show me your goods!

Faced with dwindling amounts of men studying to become priests, the Catholics have beefed up their advertising campaign. Without new priests to head the churches, Catholicism will literally die out, and they will be forced to do things like change in order to survive. Examples of this are allowing priests to marry, changing the style of mass to that of involvement instead of rote and ritual, and stopping the damning of their congregation to Hell for divorce, premarital sex, and the use of contraceptions.

NYPriest is a leading site for this recruitment. Note a video in their website:

http://www.nypriest.com/gallery/video/theatrical-trailer/

Here is an NYPriest ad too in Madison Square Garden. Hitting up sports fans:

https://sa1.www4.irs.gov/irfof/lang/en/irfofgetstatus.jsp

A) Send the vice president to the middle east. Start spreading rumors of a new invasion (most likely Iran). Watch top US military leaders resign because they disagree with the stupidity (i.e. Adm Fallon). Watch the media take the bait and spread talks of this new war. Watch McCain the war hawk play the part of most competent commander in chief.

Whether the war happens or not, Republicans win in the end and Jesus is happier for it.
Further Reading: Today’s Washington Post Article “Are We Closer to War?” by Dan Froomkin.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/blog/2008/03/12/BL2008031201898.html?hpid=opinionsbox1

The New 7, Pope Benedict, 21st century

1. “Bioethical” violations (abortion, cloning?)
2. “Morally dubious” experiments (stem cell research)
3. Drug abuse
4. Polluting the environment
5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
6. Excessive wealth
7. Creating poverty

So basically don’t get rich, don’t pollute the Earth, and don’t screw with DNA or fetuses.

To comply with these new ways to enter Hell, the Vatican will likely have to cut back their expenses, sell off some of the gold in their Cathedrals, and require that all hearses be hybrids.

No punishments have yet to be determined, but it will likely involve a method of torture, thus keeping in the spirit of the first 7 deadly sins. The new modern styles of torture could include water boarding and an indefinite limbo spent in Guantanamo.

The first 7 Deadly Sins, Pope Gregory the Great, 6th Century, and their punishment:

1. Pride - Broken on the wheel
2. Envy - Put in freezing water
3. Gluttony -Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
4. Lust - Smothered in fire and brimstone
5. Anger - Dismembered alive
6. Greed - Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
7. Sloth - Thrown in snake pits

Child molestation has yet to make either list.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7287071.stm

Here’s another math joke: http://www.newsweek.com/id/118240

Note: Both jokes can also be used as a pickup line in a dingy bar, and both may get you slapped.

1) The VP must be a governor. Governors are an executive office, which is more closely alligned with presidency than Senators or Congressmen. Since Obama is a senator, the ticket needs balanced out.
2) Governor can’t be first term and must be older. The VP needs experience to balance out Obama’s freshness.
3) Must be from a state that typically votes Republican. This will help the ticket gain extra red states.
4) Has not already endorsed Clinton. Clinton backers lose the game. Sorry. That’s how it works.
5) Must be a white man. Sorry, as great as it would be, the ticket can’t have another minority or a women.

Here is a list of all 28 Democratic Governors to choose from:

Arizona - Governor Janet Napolitano
Arkansas - Governor Mike Beebe
Colorado - Governor Bill Ritter
Delaware - Governor Ruth Ann Minner
Illinois - Governor Rod Blagojevich
Iowa - Governor Chet Culver
Kansas - Governor Kathleen Sebelius
Kentucky - Governor Steve Beshear
Maine - Governor John Baldacci
Maryland - Governor Martin O’Malley
Massachusetts - Governor Deval Patrick
Michigan - Governor Jennifer Granholm
Montana - Governor Brian Schweitzer
New Hampshire - Governor John Lynch
New Jersey - Governor Jon Corzine
New Mexico - Governor Bill Richardson
New York - Governor Eliot Spitzer
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley
Ohio - Governor Ted Strickland
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry
Oregon - Governor Ted Kulongoski
Pennsylvania - Governor Edward G. Rendell
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen
Virginia - Governor Tim Kaine
Washington - Governor Chris Gregoire
West Virginia - Governor Joe Manchin III
Wisconsin - Governor Jim Doyle
Wyoming - Governor Dave Freudenthal

After eliminating Governors who aren’t in South or Midwest typically red states from these, we are left with 15:
Arizona - Governor Janet Napolitano
Arkansas - Governor Mike Beebe
Colorado - Governor Bill Ritter
Iowa - Governor Chet Culver
Kansas - Governor Kathleen Sebelius
Kentucky - Governor Steve Beshear
Montana - Governor Brian Schweitzer
New Mexico - Governor Bill Richardson
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley
Ohio - Governor Ted Strickland
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry
Oregon - Governor Ted Kulongoski
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen
Virginia - Governor Tim Kaine
West Virginia - Governor Joe Manchin III

After eliminating women and non-whites from these, we are left with 12:
Arkansas - Governor Mike Beebe
Colorado - Governor Bill Ritter
Iowa - Governor Chet Culver
Kentucky - Governor Steve Beshear
Montana - Governor Brian Schweitzer
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley
Ohio - Governor Ted Strickland
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry
Oregon - Governor Ted Kulongoski
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen
Virginia - Governor Tim Kaine
West Virginia - Governor Joe Manchin III

After eliminating Clinton backers (as of 2-22-08) from these, we are left with 9:
Colorado - Governor Bill Ritter
Iowa - Governor Chet Culver
Kentucky - Governor Steve Beshear
Montana - Governor Brian Schweitzer
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen
Virginia - Governor Tim Kaine
West Virginia - Governor Joe Manchin III

After eliminating first terms Governors from these, we are left with 3:
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen

Of these,
North Carolina - Governor Mike Easley - Born 1950 - Elected Gov 2000 - History as a lawyer beforehand.
Oklahoma - Governor Brad Henry - Born 1963 - Younger than Obama. Disqualified.
Tennessee - Governor Phil Bredesen - Born 1943 - Gov since 2003, Mayor since 1991, Started own Health Care company. Health Care, folks! And he looks so nice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phil_Bredesen

Yes–Phil Bredesen… next VP!

It takes whatever images there are on a page and makes them dance. You can also copy this link and paste in in your address bar when looking at any website.

John and Elizabeth Edwards seems to have their odds working for them for 2008. Unfortunately for John McCain, his wife is a Cindy.

http://demconwatch.blogspot.com/

Especially useful is their coverage of superdelegates. In a tight Clinton/Obama race, superdelegates make up 20% of the vote. If these two candidates more or less break even as each state by state election unfolds, the 2008 Democratic candidate will likely be chosen not by the voters directly, but by superdelegates.